Parenting Matters

The Lexington Asian Mental Health Initiative Invites You to a Community Forum

Balancing Stress and Success – An Asian American Perspective

By Laurie Atwater

The demographics in Lexington are changing. Our Asian population is increasing and it is especially notable that 30 percent of school aged children are of Asian descent (Chinese, Indian and Korean). The pressures facing all students in affluent communities: pressure to create a “resume” of impressive extracurricular activities, the accumulation of AP credits and test prep craziness, often combine with culturally specific problems to create excessive stress and can lead to depression, anxiety and suicidality among our Asian American students.

SATURDAY, MARCH 29TH 9AM-NOON
MARGE BATTIN AUDITORIUM
AT CARY HALL
MASSACHUSETTS AVENUE, LEXINGTON

YOU WILL LEARN:
What does the data tell us about Lexington’s Asian-American students and parents?
How can you help your child balance stress and success?
How does immigration influence mental health?
How can you communicate better with your child?
What resources are available to help?
PRESENTERS:
Tim Dugan, M.D., Assistant Clinical Professor Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School
Rama Rao Gogineni, M.D., Dir., Div. of Adolescent Psychiatry,
Cooper University Health Care
Josephine Kim, Ph.D., Lecturer, Harvard School of Education
Ed Wang, Psy.D, Director, Multicultural Affairs, Mass. Dept. of Mental Health
The Breaking Silences performance with Christina Chan and Pata Suyemoto
Lexington Asian students

Although financial problems are often the drivers of health disparities among immigrant groups, this is not the case in Lexington. Pressures on Lexington’s Asian American children come from two sources: family and society. Family pressures revolve around performance and achievement and respect for parental sacrifice. Societal pressures include the difficulty of straddling two cultures, dealing with stereotypes, prejudice and bullying. Young Asian American women (15-24) have the highest suicide rates across all racial and ethnic groups according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). Three decades of NAMI research on Asian American mental health shows that Asian Americans exhibit high numbers of depressive symptoms and suicide is the fifth-leading cause of death among Asian Americans, compared to the ninth-leading cause of death for Non-Hispanic white Americans.

Asian American teens experiencing mental health issues do not want to appear problematic or create problems for their families. Success is very important in Asian families so Asian American students who are having a difficult time academically may become depressed and isolated because asking for help can be interpreted as a weakness. Feelings of shame accompany issues of mental health in many Asian families, in fact, Asian attitudes toward mental illness are generally negative. Asian parents may feel that it reflects poorly on their parenting. Asian Americans as a group do not seek mental health help. At Lexington Youth and Family Services (LYFS) the therapists began to notice a pattern: Asian kids would drop by for help, but they wouldn’t come back. That was 2011.

This was concerning to Marsha Lazar who was the director at LYFS at the time. “It really jumped off the page at me when I saw the numbers,” she said in a recent phone conversation. While Asian kids were coming to LYFS at a percentage that reflects the number of Asian students (29%) at the high school, it was difficult to get them into therapy because they wouldn’t involve their parents according to Lazar. As a former community organizer, this struck her initially as a health disparity. “These kids are under as much or more stress than the Caucasian kids, but they don’t have access to the same kind of support because they don’t feel free to tell their parents they are having problems.”

When she began to ask Lexington therapists ‘what’s this all about?’ Lazar encountered lots of acknowledgement and agreement on the subject. For whatever reason, Asian kids were not getting the mental health help they needed. For Lazar who is also a social worker, it was time to jump into action. LYFS needed more information, so they wrote a small grant and submitted it to CHNA 15 (Community Health Network Area). They were approved for $5K and that got them started.

They put together a committee with members from LYFS, the Indian Americans of Lexington (IAL), Sophia Ho and Peter Lee from the Chinese American Association of Lexington (CAAL), Lexington parents Wenjie Cheng, Eileen Jay, Gwen Wong, Lorelle Yee, Fuang Ying Huang and Nirmalla Garimella, students, clinicians and representatives from the Lexington human services department, Officer Hsien Kai Hsu of the Lexington Police Department and Lexington public school Guidance Counselor Cynthia Tang. “The fact that we got buy-in from all of these community partners was so encouraging,” Lazar says. “The police had 2 to 3 people there every meeting,” she says. Emily Lavine, Lexington’s Assistant Director of Youth and Family Services and new youth outreach coordinator Matt Ryan have also been involved.

One of the most exciting initiatives that the committee has been able to complete was spearheaded by “two hotshot kids” (as Lazar calls them) from LHS. Asian American students Sirena Luo and Charlotte Wong Lebow were able to get a special survey incorporated into the junior year health curriculum. Soon they will also have results from a freshman survey and will present their findings at the forum. In addition to the student surveys, Lazar has received 147 parent surveys that were conducted with the help of CAAL. She is very excited to be able to present the findings to a wider audience at the upcoming.

CAAL president Peter Lee is very excited about the program and hopeful that they will get a good turnout from CAAL families. “This is how we as a community, we as parents, can help our kids,” he commented in a recent phone conversation. “I think it’s pretty universal for Asian parents—you want to see your kids succeed.” Peter feels that Asian parents and kids often don’t know how to communicate when it comes to these issues. “The problem is out there,” he says, “and I don’t think people are really aware of how much of a problem it is. I do think communication is critical.” Peter is hopeful that the forum will help both parents and students. “I think there’s a lot that each group can learn from each other,” he states. “How do kids talk with their parents about the challenges they may be having? How do parents listen? That’s a good place to start and a good reason to attend the forum,” he says.

“We really want to invite people to join us for this forum!” Lazar says. Participation among all groups in the Asian community is especially important to the success of this initiative. Tim Dugan, LYFS Chairman of the Board and Clinical Consultant also has high hopes. As a Lexington resident, Tim is vested in the community and its kids. “We’ve been working together to understand what Asian kids need, what parents need and how we can respond as a community,” he says. “We are so proud to have joined together with Lexington’s Asian parents and community organizations to learn how we can better support Asian students.”

The greatest hope is that the Asian families in Lexington really run with this opportunity. “All parents want the best for their kids, but sometimes it’s not clear what the best thing is,” says Tim Dugan. “In the end, we are reminded again, that we were all kids of immigrants at one time or the other and needed help of one kind or the other to develop truly satisfying lives. We hope that all members of the Lexington community can join us in a joint contemplation of strain, challenge and hope.”

One thing is certain—if parents are involved the forum will be more successful. Please plan to attend this very special program.

 

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Energy Drinks

Henry David Abraham, M.D.

Henry David Abraham, M.D.

By Henry David Abraham, M.D. The story goes that coffee was discovered when a shepherd noticed his sheep dancing after they ate beans growing on a hillside. Humans have been using that bean ever since for alertness, inspiration, and energy. Caffeine is the world’s most popular drug. The US is the world’s greatest importer of coffee- nine pounds a year for each one of us. At birth caffeine is present in 75% of infants, and thanks to sodas and cocoa, in preschoolers, too. So when caffeinated “energy” drinks appeared in gas stations and supermarkets, consumers yawned, until now. Today brands like Monster Energy and Red Bull are household names and a $20 billion a year business. One third to one half of teens and young adults will try them. As the use of these drug vehicles has increased, so have reports of problems. Most people are familiar with the common problems of caffeine- jitters, insomnia, and anxiety. Energy drinks kick that list up a notch, to include seizures, strokes, and at least 13 possible deaths. There are now 20,000 emergency department visits a year related to energy drinks. Kids with preexisting medical conditions, especially those of the heart or brain, are particularly vulnerable. Recently, the makers of Monster Energy moved to sidestep the FDA requirement that they report any problems with their products by calling them “beverages.” This moves Monster to a different aisle in the supermarket and lets them sweep bad news under the rug. “But wait a minute, Dr. Abraham. Aren’t you just being a caffeine cop? How much caffeine is in an energy drink in the first place?” Answer: about one to three cups of coffee. How bad can that be? This year 18 experts on child nutrition said how bad in a letter to the FDA. They pointed out that a caffeine drink is different from a cup of tea or coffee in a number of important ways. Caffeine in coffee or tea is in a natural, botanical form, while the caffeine in energy drinks is added by the manufacturer. Another difference is that chemically concocted caffeine drinks contain a wild mix of Frankenchemicals: compounds not often mentioned in polite company that have little or no connection to normal human nutrition. Occasionally these chemicals do things to you. Guarana, one energy additive, for example, has one of the highest concentrations of caffeine in any plant, triple the caffeine in coffee. A third important difference is a matter of the use of energy drinks by children. There is no minimum legal age to buy them. If a child consumes a drug at a dose intended for an adult, this is an invitation to an overdose. The smaller the child, the greater the trouble. This among other thoughts led a committee of the American Academy of Pediatrics to say, “…caffeine and other stimulant substances contained in energy drinks have no place in the diet of children and adolescents.” That brings me to the cultural differences between coffee, tea and energy drinks. Hot tea or coffee is sipped slowly. People meet for coffee. They serve coffee and tea at the book club. They drink tea together at the Chinese restaurant. The makers of energy drinks live on another planet. An ad for Monster Energy on Amazon says it all. The 16 oz. can of Monster “packs a vicious punch but has a smooth flavor you can really pound down.” Not exactly “meeting a friend for coffee.” This Brave New World of “beverages” may explain a recent study where Australian teens suffered cardiac and neurological toxicity after drinking three to eight bottles of energy drinks at a clip. From a public health point of view, the greatest harm from an energy drink is when it is mixed with alcohol. Being drunk is bad enough, but being wide-awake drunk is stepping on the accelerator with your eyes closed. Under no circumstance should an energy drink be thought of as a cure for alcohol intoxication. It’s not. Now before the proprietors of Starbucks and Peet’s take out a contract on me, let the record show that I am not a caffeine cop. Coffee is my favorite drug- er, drink. Of all the drugs I worry about, coffee is not even a warning blip on my radar. Its benefits vastly outweigh the risks. Its psychological and health effects are varied and proven. It reduces the risks of Alzheimer’s disease, certain cancers, heart disease, and type II diabetes. Should teens drink coffee? It depends. As kids enter the teen years their clocks for sleeping and waking, like daylight savings time, spring ahead an hour or two. That means when adults are getting sleepy, kids are getting ready to rock. That also means that the next morning, as the world awakens, teenagers are zombies. This also means for many teens early morning classes are cruel but usual punishment. Short of starting the school day later, a cup of tea or coffee may work wonders for the early morning zombie. It does for many of us. But it’s not for everyone. Steven Spielberg never drank a cup of coffee in his life. Voltaire drank 30 cups a day. They both turned out all right.

No-Nonsense-Final-Cover-640x1024Dr. Henry David Abraham is a psychiatrist in Lexington, MA. He is a co-founder of the International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War which was awa rded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1985. Material for this article was adapted from his most recent book, The No Nonsense Guide to Drugs and Alcohol, an e-book for teens and young adults. It is now available online at Amazon.com and BN.com.

Parenting Matters is a collaboration between the Lexington Human Services Department and The Colonial Times Magazine.

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Facilitating Healthy Adaptations to Grief and Loss

Kevin M. Kozin, MTS, LICSW

Kevin M. Kozin, MTS, LICSW

By Kevin M. Kozin, MTS, LICSW

When experiencing a loss, it can seem that everyone has some sage (and often misguided) advice they are ready to give you. For example, you may hear remarkably unhelpful things like: Get over it, Move on already, Time heals all wounds. While possibly well intentioned, these words imply that a loss is something that a person “gets over.” For many losses, we do not “get over” the loss. Instead, we need to find a way adapt to the loss. We cannot “get over” things like the loss of a child or a partner, but we can find new ways of relating to that experience and adapting to the new situation.

Speaking about a loss can be difficult. Sometimes, “I’m sorry for your loss” is the best statement you can provide. When you are asked difficult questions about a serious loss, it’s OK to say, “I don’t know.” You may be joining with them in the “not knowing” of what is going on for them, and it can help to feel connected. It is often more helpful to use words like “died” or “death” instead of “passed on.” Especially with younger people, it helps them to understand what really happened.

Dr. J. William Worden describes four “Tasks of Mourning” that one must go through to facilitate a healthy adaptation, and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes the “Five Stages of Grief” which help to conceptualize some of the key emotions that people experience.

Dr. Worden is clear that these are active tasks, not things that happen to us, but things that we must do, to facilitate a healthy adaptation to loss. I’ve adapted Dr. Worden’s tasks to include all losses, by using “lost attachment.”

1. To accept the reality of the loss

2. To process the pain of grief

3. To adjust to a world without the lost attachment

4. To find an enduring connection with the lost attachment while embarking on a new life.

These tasks look nice and tidy with a simple four point plan of action. However, they can be remarkably difficult. Dr. Kübler-Ross describes the “Five Stages of Grief” as:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

In grieving, it is useful to experience all of these stages of grief as we process a loss. Unlike Dr. Worden’s tasks, you may notice that these aren’t numbered, but in bullet points. Worden’s tasks are more linear. You accomplish one task and then move on to the next. Dr. Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief are more fluid emotional states, and we may experience any one of them, and then move to a different stage at any time. There isn’t any one stage that is most useful or even necessary. A useful guiding principle is that in moving through the stages, the main concern is getting “stuck” anywhere but acceptance (that’s the eventual goal). So, one can experience denial, then depression, then acceptance, and move back to denial. It’s useful to notice when we are in these stages, but not to judge ourselves for being in any one of them.

There isn’t a timeframe for when things should change or healing should occur. In fact, some people never work thorough their losses. That’s why it is important to address the tasks in a deliberate and meaningful way. Healing isn’t about the amount of time that it has been since the loss.

Various age groups tend to process grief and loss differently. Infants and toddlers may sense a change in routine and caregivers, and can experience separation anxiety and regression. Having consistent caregivers is very useful at this age. Children of three to six years often struggle with the concept of the body not-functioning and finality of a death or loss. They can be prone to magical thinking and also regression. Consistent limit setting, patience, and simple (concrete) explanations are most effective. For example, a burial can be frightening if not better understood, since they may not understand the finality of death and become concerned that their loved one can’t breathe underground.

Between ages six to nine years, they begin to understand finality of death and may want details as to how someone died. They often have difficulty concentrating and worry about themselves and others, such as a caregiver or parent dying. It would be helpful to provide a space for talking about how the death/loss affects them personally. For ages ten to thirteen years, they may be able to understand that death is inevitable and happens to everyone. At this age, they may identify more with adults of their own gender and experience an array of feelings. They are often thinking about how death/loss affects relationships. For this age, it is helpful to encourage expression of feelings and foster open communication about death/loss.

Teens will often have the ability to confront and prepare for an impending loss. For teens and adults, they may not just be grieving for a current loss, but what might have been. They will often desire time with their peers. Some concerns is that the teen will be “parentified” and attempt to take on the role of the parent a parent during a major loss. Another possibility is that they may turn to risky behaviors. During this time, it is important to have open communication with the teen about their experience and to allow them the space to process their feelings, while offering support for when they are ready.

For all ages, be on the lookout for complicated bereavement, such as a grief response that is extended, amplified, delayed, distorted, absent, conflicted, chronic, or unresolved. This is when the grief response is interfering with psychological functioning, which can co-occur with adjustment disorders, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, PTSD, and suicidality. Some common indicators are sudden loss, conflicted relationships, pre-existing mental health issues, limited successful coping skills, financial or employment distress, or multiple stressors.

Never Worry Alone. In grief, one should not be alone in the process. Connectivity is a healing and protective factor. If you have concerns for another person, family, or yourself, you may benefit from working with a grief counselor. Below is a list of resources that may be useful in getting help or learning more about grief and loss. The way through grief and loss is together, not alone.

RESOURCES

The Children’s Room in Arlington – www.childrensroom.org

Offering a full array of bereavement services for families who have experienced early loss. Their website is full of helpful bereavement information.

Compassionate Friends – www.compassionatefriends.org

A national organization that helps families who experience the death of a child.

NASW Social Work Therapy Referral Service

www.therapymatcher.org or (800) 242-9794.

This is a free and confidential service from the National Association of Social Workers that connects people to psychotherapists on a range of issues – not just grief and loss.

 

Kevin M. Kozin, MTS, LICSW is a local psychotherapist and grief counselor in Lexington, MA and works with adolescents, adult, families, and couples. Mr. Kozin is highly active in the community in his work on the Board and Executive Committee of the National Association of Social Workers, Massachusetts (NASW-MA) and serving as the Co-Chair the Mental Health and Substance Abuse Committee of NASW-MA. He holds master’s degrees in Social Work and Theology from Boston University and completed post-graduate training at the Massachusetts Institute for Psychoanalysis. Information on Mr. Kozin’s practice can be found at www.kozincounseling.com or by contacting him at (781) 325-1858.

 

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Parenting Matters~Sweet Dreams

 

Lisa Foo, PhD

Lisa Foo, PhD

By Lisa Foo, Ph.D

The top of many Mother’s Day wish lists is a good night’s sleep for the whole family. What a challenge with our many responsibilities, endless things to think about, and being kept up by other family members!

The average daily sleep requirement is about 14.5 hours for infants, 13 for toddlers, 12 for preschoolers, 10.5 for school-aged children, 9 for adolescents, and 8 for adults. Many of us need higher amounts to compensate for accumulated “debt.” Research has linked insufficient sleep with not only fatigue, but also weight gain, heart disease, and diabetes. Decreased sleep can cause emotional and behavioral problems, including (ironically) child hyperactivity. Driving while drowsy is a major cause of car accidents and related injuries. Sleep serves an important role in learning, so late night cramming can interfere with remembering the information that was studied.

So what causes difficulties with falling asleep, waking during the night, or getting up too early in the morning? Everyone wakes briefly throughout the night when transitioning between deeper and lighter sleep, but most of us return to sleep easily and don’t even recall having been awake. Sometimes, however, our brains “click on” too much or have a hard time “clicking off” as we process stressful thoughts, making it hard to fall asleep or return to sleep.

Many sleep difficulties improve through developing healthy sleep habits. Staying up late and sleeping in on weekends can cause chronic jet lag in which our bodies can’t tell when to feel sleepy. Maintaining a fairly consistent sleep schedule throughout the week can fix that. Relaxing evening activities and predictable bedtime routines signal the body that it is time to sleep. It’s helpful to turn off electronic screens (TV, computers, cell phones, etc.) 30 to 60 minutes before bedtime, as they may keep our minds active and the lights that they emit signal the brain that it’s still daylight and time to be awake.

Regular exercise (not too close to bedtime) can improve sleep, as well as overall physical and emotional health. Utilizing deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and visual imagery can make it easier to fall asleep at bedtime and return to sleep after waking during the night. Noise, brightness, and temperature levels of the bedroom, as well as the comfort level of the bed and bedding, should be conducive to sleep. It’s helpful to avoid the bedroom during the day so that when you get into bed at night your mind associates that space with sleep and becomes drowsy, just as we often become hungry when entering a kitchen. When having prolonged awakenings during the night, try getting out of bed, going to another room with the lights dimmed, and doing something relaxing until you feel sleepy enough to return to bed.

Caffeine stays in the body for hours before being fully eliminated, so caffeinated coffee, tea, soda, and energy drinks can be eliminated or reduced and consumed only in the morning. “Decaf” coffees usually still contain some caffeine, and if taken in large quantities or throughout the day, can still interfere with sleep. While alcohol can cause sleepiness, it can also disrupt nighttime sleep. Abusing other chemical substances can also cause sleep problems. Regular use of over-the-counter sleep aids is not recommended without consulting with a medical provider, as long term use can cause grogginess or memory problems, and they may also become less effective over time. Sleep medications should NOT be mixed with alcohol, as the result can be fatal.

It sometimes can be tricky to use these recommendations with a child who doesn’t see the importance of sleep. Children may also need parents to ease bedtime fears or set limits regarding bedtime or middle-of-the-night behavior. It may also be necessary to address any larger anxiety or behavior problems. If your teenager is not getting enough rest, you might choose to have electronic devices turned into you before bedtime so as to reduce the temptation to talk or text during the night. Infant and toddler sleep is especially challenging due to the complexities of naps, nighttime nutritional needs, and little ones’ limited comprehension abilities.

Difficulties sleeping or chronic daytime sleepiness can be symptoms of underlying medical conditions. Individuals with sleep apnea have difficulty breathing while sleeping, and so without even knowing it experience frequent brief awakenings to breathe. Being overweight increases the risk of apnea, though individuals at a healthy weight can also have this condition. Discomfort, pain, or heartburn can cause sleep difficulties and may be assisted by strategies such as relaxation, not eating or drinking close to bedtime, avoiding trigger foods, or receiving appropriate medication.

If you or a loved one experiences sleep difficulties that are interfering with emotional or physical functioning, please consider seeking help from a mental health or medical provider. We can help create a plan to make it easier to fall and stay asleep, and also screen for and treat underlying disorders. For example, psychotherapy might be useful to address depression or anxiety, or behavioral therapy could help train a young child to follow bedtime limits. Individuals with sleep apnea can often be helped by a device that helps them breath better at night, or with assistance losing excess weight that is contributing to the problem. Sometimes prescription medications for other conditions can interfere with sleep and so can be switched, reduced, or eliminated in consultation with your provider. If a member of your family experiences other problematic sleep-related behaviors (screaming or walking while still sleeping, bedwetting or frequent urges to toilet during the night, attacks of excessive sleepiness during the day, etc.), please make sure to have them professionally evaluated.

I’ll end with a confession – I have children, and some of this article was written in the late evenings after they went to bed. And my infant sometimes woke me up a few hours later. Life happens. However, instead of just telling myself “I’ll sleep after I finish everything on my list,” I try to prioritize tasks so that I finish the most important ones before stopping for bedtime. Our children follow the examples that we set. Parenting takes a lot of energy and patience, both of which are easier to provide when we are well rested. I wish us all the best on our quest for households full of sweet dreams.

Lisa Foo, PhD, is a psychologist in private practice in Lexington. Dr. Foo is a Harvard graduate and Fulbright scholar who specializes in assisting individuals and families affected by health-related concerns. She previously worked as a senior psychologist and supervisor at a Level 1 trauma center. 33 Bedford Street, Suite 11; 612-237-8471; drlisafoo@gmail.com; www.drlisafoo.com .

 

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Getting Your Partner to (Really) Listen

 

Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC

Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC

Do you wish you could tell your partner what you are feeling more easily? Are you looking for a way to have a productive conversation without playing the blame and shame game? Do your “discussions” sometimes last into the wee hours of the night leaving you exhausted the next day?

When you have something important to share with your sweetie, you will need these 4 simple steps:

1. Choose the right time for ‘you’ to have the conversation (consider your time & your energy level)

2. Ask your partner if s/he is willing to talk at that time

3. Be willing to hear ‘no’ and ask for a better time

4. Schedule the conversation and agree to an ending time

Getting your partner to listen when s/he is not truly available can feel very frustrating — which only adds to an already charged situation.

If your experience is anything like mine used to be, your life is busy and it’s hard to fit time in for anything extra! It’s “easier” to avoid difficult conversations than approach them. You are frustrated because you often have to sift your way through the fog of blame and shame to get to clarity. You don’t feel deeply heard.

Several years ago, I learned there was a different way. Thank goodness! And I teach it to all of my clients!

You and your partner are going to love how easy this is for you both.

PRACTICE TIP: Sit together facing each other. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths together. Synchronize your breath for a few minutes (feel silly? keep going…trust the process, it works!) When you feel connected via your breath, open your eyes and look deeply at each other.

Make an agreement: one person will share at a time and the listener will reflect back what s/he heard…bit by bi

Slowly….switching speakers as needed. Use “I” statements. If you find yourself saying “YOU”, take a breath and start over! A do-over is a powerful tool to use! I recommend you limit your conversation to 1 hour max.

Now, what if you have something important to share with your partner, but feel like all you want to do is blame him (or her)? Here is exactly what you need to move forward and avoid a screaming match.

Take 5-10 minutes to journal what you are upset about (don’t skip this very important step!)

Re-read what you wrote and highlight every “you” or “s/he” and change them to “I” (this is called “the turn-a-round” according to Byron Katie’s The Work)

Look over the “I” statements and find nuggets of truth (leave the rest)

Now choose the right time for ‘you’ to have a conversation. Ask your partner if s/he is willing to talk at that time. Be willing to hear ‘no’ and ask for a better time. Schedule the conversation and agree to an ending time no more than 1 hour later.

You’ll want to take the steps above to heart and please share them with your partner. The idea here is that you don’t blame or shame your partner and s/he doesn’t do that to you!

It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of someone else’s blaming! “Well everything’s ruined and I’m upset because of YOU!” “I’m disappointed because you did this and you did that…and you made me feel this way or that way…and on and on and on.” We’ve all heard those words before. Sadly. And have those conversations been productive? Are they loving?

There’s more but I don’t want to give you too much at once. So begin with the invitation above (the steps) – and practice as often as you can.

You and your partner are on your way to deeper love already! Congratulations!

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Child Centered Divorce – A Model for Cooperative Co-Parents

Shawn McGivern

Shawn McGivern

By Shawn McGivern

In September 2000, TIME Magazine invited renowned sociologists and mental health professions to weigh in on What Divorce Does to Kids.

While the issue presented a balance of perspectives, what took front and center stage for readers and experts alike were the late psychologist Judith Wallerstein’s doom and gloom predictions for adult children of divorce. Based on her 25- year study of 131 subjects, Wallerstein concluded that children of divorce “look for love in strange places” and “make terrible life partner choices.”

“Expecting disaster, they will create it,” she writes. “They will delay career choices, delay marriages and likely get divorced themselves.”

 

Both her book and the TIME exposé drew harsh criticism. Christy Buchanan, author of Adolescents After Divorce undercut Wallerstein’s findings stating that, “There’s some good research suggesting that many of the problems attributed to divorce are actually present prior to the divorce.” Penn State Sociology professor, Paul Amato effectively dismissed Wallerstein’s predictions, saying in Time, “What most of the large-scale scientific research shows is that although growing up in a divorced family elevates the risk for certain kinds of problems, it by no means dooms children to having a terrible life.”

Twelve years later, what seems logical is that the subjects whom Wallerstein began tracking in 1971 reflected the loss that can stem from children being raised in an unhappy intact home and then being subjected to “adversarial ” divorce.

The fact is, divorce, like death, is a profound loss of possibility for the child. To him or her, it is as if a once-whole beautiful egg has been shattered into two jagged pieces.

Divorce will likely interrupt the child’s social, emotional and cognitive development. Studies show, however, that children can adjust and do better in the long-run when parents put their differences aside, work as a team, and model for the child the respect and collaborative spirit that informs a successful business partnership.

With 40-50% of marriages ending in divorce, it’s no surprise to find a plethora of literature on the how-to of divorce. For parents whose chief concern is their child’s well-being, however, some of the best thinking from judges, divorce mediators, attorneys and mental health professionals comes from The American Bar Association publications. My Parent are Getting Divorced: A Handbook for Kids and Co-Parenting During and After DIvorce: A Handbook for Parents offers concepts and codes of conduct between co-parents that aim to minimize conflict while optimizing the trust, autonomy, initiative, social interest, cognitive development, and capacity for friendship and intimacy needed in adulthood.

Tips for Cooperative Co-Parents

Kids’ fears and questions run rampant when parents separate. They may not have the language to voice their fears, but a typical interior diaglogue includes: What is divorce? Will I still see both of you? Where will I live? Will we still have enough money to do fun things? ? Am I going to have to leave my school, my teachers, my friends? This is embarrasing; what will other kids think? How will I buy Mom/Dad gifts for holidays or birthdays? If I’m with Dad on weekends, when can I see my friends?

Kids need assurance that it’s okay to be loyal to both parents. They hear criticism of Mom/Dad as descriptive of themselves. Often, when kids are exposed to parents fighting or negative comments about the other, they feel forced into the role of referree or caretaker. For this reasons, competent co-parents have disagreements in private. They discuss adult matters behind closed doors or with other adults. If and when they introduce a significant other to the kids, it’s understood that the child has input on where and when. Resilient kids are most often the product of two homes where warmth, acceptance, and open communications abide.

Language creates experience. Kids know “friends” are people who get together to have fun, enjoy the same things, laugh, and in times of difficulty turn to each other for emotional support. If you are true friends, kids already feel it . If what you mean by we’re friends is closer to “we’re not enemies,” however, try: “Divorce means that we will be living in separate houses. When it comes to major holidays, your birthday, things at school and other important events, though, we’ll get together as a family. There are going to be some changes for all of us, but one thing will stay the same forever:, your dad and I will always share our joy in watching you grown into the terrific person we knew you were the day we brought you home from the hospital.”

Family Advocate and many other child-centered divorce materials emphasize kids’ need for structure. Cooperative co-parents will ideally offer consistency in both homes with respect to times for dinner, homework, TV, internet,and bedtime.

In its Handbook for Clients, Family Advocate encourages single parents to exercise self care. When the kids are gone, make plans with friends. Join a support group. Let the housework go. Go to the gym. Take a class. Pamper Yourself . Relax.

Divorce marks the end of marriage. As Scott Peck wrote in The Road Less Travelled, however, “where there is love, there is healing.” And, with child-centered divorce, the healing can begin.

 

 Shawn M. McGivern LMHC

 Conflict resolution/divorce mediation

shawnmcgivern@yahoo.com.

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Parenting Matters: Complex Sibling Relationships

PM1111

Patti Grant, LICSW

If sibling rivalry is an issue that affects your household, you may understand how stressful it can be for everyone in the house to bear. You may be at a loss to know how to stop the fighting, or question whether they shouldn’t just, “work things out.” Let’s first take a look at the basis for sibling rivalry.

Tension between siblings can run in a few different forms. One form that is most common is that siblings tend to look at each other as equal even if their age is not. This may come out as, “Why does she get to have a phone?” or, “Why can’t I stay out that late?” School-age kids especially may be very black and white in their thinking about fairness, such as when they see parents giving preferential treatment to a younger sibling (such as greater physical affection).

A second form of tension stems from individual temperaments. These temperaments, including mood, disposition and flexibility, as well as their unique personalities play a large role in how well siblings get along. For example, if one child’s disposition is to be okay with close proximity, but another child delineates their personal space, it can lead to conflict. “But that’s my side of the couch!” Does this sound familiar?

Another form of tension can stem from kids that have special needs, either emotionally or medically. The child who isn’t sick may resent the amount of the parent’s attention that this sibling needs. This child may also not be able to verbalize this feeling well, and it may come out in a way that makes it hard to address, such as, “Why does he always get everything he wants?” Maybe this is a phrase you tend to hear that leads to tension for everyone.

The final form of tension that can impact siblings is their role models. The way that parents-and other close family members-resolve problems and conflict sets a strong example for their kids. If family members tend to yell, call names and isolate themselves, siblings are likely to do the same. However, if family members can work through conflict in a way that’s healthy and respectful, it increases the chance that the children will adopt the same tactics.

So what do you do when the fighting starts? Whenever possible, don’t get involved. If the siblings can work things through in a productive way without your help, that will be the best for their self-esteem and problem solving development. You also risk been seen as taking sides whenever you step in, based on past experiences of the children or simply even the timing of when you step in. However, always intervene in a situation where you feel they might become violent with each other.

If and when you do decide to step in, try to resolve problems with your kids, not for them. Following are some suggestions to follow when stepping in.

Separate kids until they’re calm (as well as yourself). Unless everyone is calm, fighting can resume and the problem solving cannot.

Take the focus off blame, as focusing on who’s to blame only exacerbates fighting. This can be done by encouraging each child verbalize their concerns, one at a time.

Voice your own concerns for their fighting, such as how you feel like family life could improve, or how you’re concerned they’re going to hurt each other.

Ask them to come up with a mutually agreeable and feasible solution that addresses all the concerns. Be careful to throw out solutions that won’t be likely to have follow through, or ones that don’t consider all of the concerns.

Support solutions that children come up with, check their follow through and come back to the table to talk if the solution is attempted and it doesn’t help resolve the original concerns.

There are also some simple techniques that can be used every day to help kids get along. An important one to use is to explain to the child that, “equal is not always fair, and fair does not always mean equal,” in that each child gets what he or she needs, and sometimes one child may need more than another. Another important technique is to set ground rules for behavior. Tell the kids that if an argument starts, they must keep their hands to themselves, and yelling, cursing or name-calling, as well as abuse to objects (slamming doors or throwing things) are not allowed. Explain to kids that they are not responsible for getting angry, but they are responsible for their behavior.

You can also be proactive in getting involved in each of your children’s interests, and make sure you give each child some one-to-one time on a consistent basis. Make sure each child has their own space to do their own thing, either to take space quietly, go outside, or enjoy activities with peers without their sibling tagging along. Tell your kids that you love them both, without limits.

It’s also important to have fun as a family as well. It can be as simple as throwing a ball together or playing a board game, something that establishes a peaceful time that you can all relate as a time that everyone got along well. Also keep in mind that the fighting may be for attention, and if you leave the situation, it may remove the incentive for fighting.

If fighting is occurring daily, you can hold family meetings weekly or daily to review the ground rules and work on solutions to resolve conflicts, as outlined in the bullets above. If children frequently fight about the same issue, it’s a sign that a collaborative approach is needed, with parents modeling problem-solving behavior.

In a small percentage of families, the conflict between siblings is so severe that it disrupts daily functioning, such as the children’s ability to go to school on time or attend extra-curricular activities. Fighting can be so severe that it can affect kids emotionally or psychologically. In these cases, please do seek help from a mental health professional. If you have any questions about your children, you can also speak to their pediatrician, who can help you assess whether you and your family might benefit from seeking out professional help or refer you to local behavioral health specialists.

 

Patti Grant, LICSW

(617) 606-7450

grant@copernican.us

Private Practice:

Newton: 44 Thornton Street, Newton,

Lexington: The Liberties, Suite #11, 33 Bedford Street, Lexington, MA 02420

Copernican Clinical Services: www.Copernican.us  “We Help People Change”

Phone: (617) 606-7450

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What Brings Happiness?

Shawn M. McGivern, LMHC

 

By Shawn M. McGivern, LMHC  |

As Father’s Day approaches, I invariably wrestle with the same question: what to get my daughter’s dad who, regardless of the occasion, insists there’s truly nothing he wants.

This year, stuck in commuter traffic, I rack my brain. Silk tie? He has enough to outfit a small corporation. Sports equipment? Covered. CD? Maybe, but he has an iPod. Wallet? How many wallets can a man panini in a one adulthood? Next come the ridiculously big ticket items: trip up the Amazon, cruise down the Nile, round trip ticket to India for his Peace Corps reunion. Just as the traffic begins to move, however it occurs to me to ask, what does (and doesn’t) bring authentic happiness?

 

 

According to Martin Seligman, former President of the American Psychological Association and founder of the relatively recent field of Positive Psychology, most of us would be walking on more sunshine if psychology itself were to focus less on what contributes to emotional and mental suffering and more on what contributes to well-being and improves the overall quality of life.

Therefore, while the following research on happiness factors such as money, age, fame, beauty, marital status, weather, and doing good works may not lead to the perfect gift for loved ones, it may offer some savory food for thought.

While people in their 20s and 70s report the highest level of happiness, folks over the age of 50 report lower levels of stress and anxiety. Whereas seniors have more health problems, they report fewer problems overall. In his long-term “successful living” study of Harvard graduates,, the renowned psychologist George Valliant found that those who enjoy “ the good life “ possess three things in common: good health, close relationships, and the ability to effectively manage their troubles. .

In the Romantic era, people believed enduring bliss would follow from love and intimacy. This, in turn, led to the belief that both were to be found in marriage.

Interestingly, while married folks in the U.S. report greater happiness than non-married people, the two groups reported equal happiness when the same study was conducted in Germany.

When it comes to having a family, parents apparently report decreased happiness while raising children than non-parents but when the two groups were studied at the empty-nester stage, parents reported greater happiness than those who had not had children.

This points less to incongruence than to psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s findings that “the remembered self” tends to recall only the most dramatic elements in any given phenomenon while drawing conclusions from the way things end.

While we may assume the beautiful, famous folks enjoy non-stop happiness,
research shows that we retain the feeling of happiness for only three to four months
after peak experiences and then return to our previous baseline happiness.

Most of us know that money doesn’t buy us love but does it bring happiness? Yes and no. In poor families where basics such as food, shelter, warmth and safety are at issue, there is a strong correlation between money and happiness. . Once people reach middle class status, however, and specifically when they achieve an annual income of $75,000, money has diminishing returns. Similarly, while lottery winners are understandably elated when they hit the jackpot, they too return to their baseline level of happiness.

In general, people get happier as they get older. This may, in part, be due to having a clearer sense of their preferences and adopting more realistic expectations of themselves and others. Whereas in youth death feels faraway, even abstract, knowledge of our finite time on earth can lead to pursuing our goals, realizing our creative potential, learning new things, a desire to help others, work on social skills and forgiveness.

Especially in the dead of winter, we tend to assume sunny skies and warm temps will ensure happiness – and this is sometimes true. In terms of a geographical cure, however, Midwesterners who slog through snow and ice are equally happy as Californians;- and, according to scientists, the silver bullet may lie in getting a minimum of 30 minutes of sunshine per day.

Evolutionary psychology is concerned with how biology impacts this complex state of being and becoming human. It states that the capacity for happiness is 50% genetic. Consistent with the principles that inform cognitive therapy, however, we have far more choice over how we feel than we may think. Studies suggest that a primary contribute to depression in the elderly is inactivity. It stands to reason, then, that any age, exercise including walking, dancing, and yoga will increase levels of a the body’s good mood neurotransmitter, dopamine.

As positive psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky points out in her 2008 book, The How of Happiness, t two key factors impact mood: how we think about our lives – specifically, whether we feel we are moving towards realization of our goals; and , how often we experience positive vs. negative emotions. She identifies 12 activities including practicing kindness and saying positive things that lead to increased bursts of happiness. In the long run, however, because people vary, her book includes an illuminating “Personal-Person-Activity Fit Diagnostic.”

At the end of the day, philosophers, neuroscientists, soft scientists, marketing gurus and others are likely to remain fascinated by what brings authentic happiness. Ultimately, however, it strikes me that most of us sense on an intuitive level, the ethical truth and beauty contained in the words of H.H. the Dalai Lama:

“We are visitors on this planet. We are here for ninety or one hundred years at the very most. During that period, we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. If you contribute to other people’s happiness, you will find the true goal, the true meaning of life.”

Shawn M. McGivern LMHC is a clinical supervisor and psychotherapist in private practice in Cambridge, MA and an adjunct psychology professor at Lesley University. She is a former freelance writer for The Boston Globe and creator of a journal entitled, My Living Legacy: 44 Creative Cues for Unfolding Your Story in Words and/or Images. E-mail: shawnmcgivern@yahoo.com.

 

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Marijuana: What Parents Need to Know

Julie Fenn, LICSW

By Julie Fenn  |  The website Drugfree.org recently reported that 90% of addictions start during teenage years. 9 out of 10 people, who meet the medical criteria for drug or alcohol abuse or dependence, start smoking, drinking or using other drugs before the age of 18 years. Recently, The Lexington Public Schools sponsored a forum on marijuana. Teenage marijuana use has steadily risen in correlation to the 2008 Massachusetts referendum decriminalizing possession of small amounts of Marijuana. The 2009 Centers for Disease Control’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey reports that Massachusetts’ youth marijuana rates are already nearly 30% higher than national rates. Lexington alone has seen a steady increase over the last 3 years. Those of us working with teens have seen an alarming increase in teens seeking treatment for marijuana use. With the current research on marijuana, it’s important to have an accurate understanding of why the teen brain is so vulnerable to marijuana, know the alarming effects marijuana has on learning, emotional development; it’s addictive nature and toxic effects on the other organs in the body. Teen Marijuana use not only impacts a student’s physical and emotional health but also lowers the ambition and potential of many bright and talented youth.

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO KNOW:

Some parts of the brain are not fully developed until the mid-20’s, including the brain’s center for judgement, self-control, planning, learning and decision-making (frontal lobe). This leaves teens especially vulnerable to making quick, often risky, impulsive choices.

The teen brain’s emotional center is functional but not well controlled, making teens more susceptible to unpredictable behavior and vulnerable to peer pressure. We know that the teen brain is tuned for making fast responses and for quickly acquiring new information. Drugs and Alcohol can “hijack” the brain’s development, increasing risk for brain rewiring and addiction. Drugs change the connections in the adolescent brain, sometimes permanently.

It’s important to note that teens feel more of a high than adults when they have pleasurable experiences, while at the same time not feeling impaired as quickly as adults. (teens don’t feel impaired even though they are). This leads to more risk of becoming hooked more quickly than the adult brain.

The longer a teen postpones their first use, the less likely they are to have a problem. The beauty of the adult brain is that if we keep a cool head, we can filter through all the facts and influences to help our children see the “big picture” and make safer choices. Most recent data shows that more 15-17 year olds are in treatment for marijuana dependence than all other illegal drugs combined. Risk of becoming dependent on marijuana is 4 times greater for first use at age 13 than for first use age 21 or older. Teens who smoke marijuana have a much higher risk of developing a mental illness than those who start as adults, doubling the risk of depression and anxiety disorders.

THC, the primary drug in marijuana impacts the memory center of the brain. This affects learning. Teens who use marijuana one or more times a week report difficulty concentrating and problems with memory. Marijuana has similar cancer causing chemicals as tobacco. Marijuana users are treated for the same chronic respiratory diseases as tobacco. Chronic marijuana exposure can affect the reproductive systems of both males and females, disrupting the regular production of hormones. Use can lower fertility of both males and females

Marijuana use is now linked to increased risk of an aggressive form of testicular cancer among adolescent and young adult males. (“Association of Marijuana Use and the Incidence of Testicular Germ Cell Tumors,” by Daling and Schwartz, The Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center) Current studies are looking at the effects on the female reproductive system and ovarian cancer for similar links.

Many of us grew up with the Marlboro Man and positive images for smoking/chewing tobacco. For years many adults chose not to heed the warnings regarding the dangers of teen tobacco use. It is clear from the research that we cannot be complacent about teen marijuana use and it’s availability to younger and younger children. Marijuana is more harmful than people think. Changes in attitude lead to changes in use. (The Monitoring the Future study, The University of Michigan study.)

Parents and the Lexington community need to send a strong and clear message that marijuana use is not only dangerous but is a growing public health problem.

 

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

  • Educate yourselves about the harmful effects and the laws.
  • Talk often to your teens about the dangerous consequences.
  • Teach them problem-solving skills and how to resist peer pressure.
  • Know your child’s friends, where they live and who their parents are. Supervise and monitor your teens.
  • Teach healthy coping strategies/skills and make sure they have trusting adults in their lives that they could go to.

 

FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT THE FOLLOWING WEBSITES:

  •  http://www.mapreventionalliance.org
  • www.teen-safe.org
  • Freevibe.com
  • NIDA-the national institute on drug abuse
  • Thecoolspot.gov

 Sources used in preparation of this article include: SAMHSA Drug Abuse Warning Network, 2008; Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research, Children’s Hospital Boston.

Julie Fenn is an LICSW, as well LPS Prevention Specialist/Health Educator. She has worked with Children, Adolescents and Families for 30 years and is the parent of 3 daughters.

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Party Schools

Henry David Abraham, M.D.

By Henry David Abraham, M.D. | If your son or daughter is among the lucky 43% of high school seniors choosing a college this spring, your teen is on the edge of one of life’s more important decisions. There are the usual suspects to consider: location, size, faculty, strengths of various departments. But for some kids it’s which school has the best parties. This may sound wacky, but the quality of social life offered by a college can make or break the deal. Some kids a hot party school over a great education. But any parent who is willing to shell out $50,000 a year for a party school is either clueless, or must want to get that kid out of the house really badly.

Google “party school” and you will get 13.7 million hits. This degree of Internet interest in party schools rivals the number of hits for motherhood (14.6 million), ahead of apple pie (6 million) and chocolate chip cookies (5.6 million), though roughly equal to alcohol abuse (12 million hits). The esteemed Princeton Review publishes a list of party schools. So does Playboy magazine. Party schools tend to be big universities with great football teams, lots of fraternities, and locations near ski slopes or beaches.

Beer companies, which market heavily to the college crowd, like party schools. The campaign of linking spectator sports to beer is a marketing coup d’état. Campuses are not excluded. A number of college sites are proud to say, “Win or lose, we booze.” Ironically, some kids may actually need to go to one, the athlete in financial need, for example, or the kid who needs the security blanket of a fraternity or sorority. A regular octane school may also be right for the kid who is not ready for a place where the main school sport is high octane academics.

There can be an unexpected cost to the party school. Playboy advises that you can tell you’ve gone to one when you tell someone you went there, and the first thing they ask is, “Did you graduate?” Dropping out is one risk. There are more. The Imperial Wizards of research on college alcohol use are Henry Wechsler at the Harvard School of Public Health and Ralph Hingson at Boston University. Over the last two decades their teams have mounted a breathtaking series of studies of college drinking spanning 50,000 students and 120 colleges. Here is what they found.

Two million students a year are likely to drive under the influence. About 25 percent of college students report academic consequences of their drinking, including missing class, falling behind, doing poorly on exams or papers, and receiving lower grades overall. More than 150,000 students a year develop an alcohol-related health problem, while about one in a hundred say they tried to kill themselves while drinking or drugging. A half million kids will be injured due to alcohol, and 600,000 will be assaulted by a college drinker. More than 97,000 will be victims of sexual assault. 1,700 will die from alcohol related accidents.

Too much of a downer? Let’s get the party animals’ take on college drinking. One of my favorites is a site on the ‘net that tells you how to throw a keg party (http://www.wikihow.com/Throw-a-Keg-Party). There is advice on trying to hide the party from the police, preventing theft and damage using padlocks, keeping a Taser handy for the rowdy, and not allowing any celebrants onto the roof, since , falling is “the #1 cause of alcohol related party deaths.” Sounds like fun to me. Pro or con, it may be handy to know a party school when you see one. Here’s what you can do.

No. 1: Visit the place. If your student guide winks and tells you he drove a beer truck for a job that summer, be grateful. He’s telling you something important. This guy is considered representative of the student body by the college administration. Friday is a good day to visit. If the college parties on Thursday nights, it means that partying has spread from the usual Friday-Saturday bashes and invaded prime time. Look around campus for telltale signs of the prior night’s activities- bottles, cans, kegs, puke, and that lingering beery smell of unbridled youth whose campus administration holds its nose and looks the other way.

No. 2: Do a fraternity count. Include sororities and ones off campus. Then calculate a fraternity to student ratio for each of the schools you’re looking at. A highly ranked party school, according to the Princeton Review, is the University of Florida in Gainesville. It has 46,000 students and 62 fraternities. Then there’s Haverford College in Pennsylvania, with 1,168 students and no fraternities. Haverford is not a party school. (It is also not easy to get into, as I can attest from personal experience.)

No. 3: Look for a national collegiate champion of Something Big. This means Div. 1 schools. Football is the biggie, but basketball counts. Any school that has more graduates playing in the NFL than it has Nobel laureates or great novelists on its faculty should raise a blip on your radar. Also, any school that gives its players cars, pays its coaches a multiple of what it pays its professors, or has a stadium that seats more than 75,000 people is in the entertainment business, not the business of education.

If you toss the Princeton Review of party schools, what‘s left? I asked Robert Putnam, who spent his career teaching at Harvard, how he’d choose a college. Not everyone goes to Harvard, or to college, for that matter. His idea is a shoe that fits a lot of feet taking the next step after high school. If it’s college, forget making a choice based on location, size, endowment and the like. What matter the most are the personal qualities that each kid brings to the campus. The best education comes from swimming in a sea of curious, creative students who are tickled to death to be there. The passions of roommates, brothers, sisters, and team mates are infectious. They teach lessons for a lifetime. It makes sense to choose wisely.

 

Dr. Henry David Abraham is a psychiatrist in Lexington MA. He has held teaching positions at Brown, Harvard and Tufts Universities, and has treated patients and their families since 1974. In 1985 he shared in the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with Physicians for Social Responsibility and the International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War. He is the author of “What’s a Parent to Do? Straight Talk on Drugs and Alcohol,” New Horizon Press. Dr. Abraham is writing a book for teens, “The No BS Book on Drugs and Alcohol.”

 

 

 

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